KILN’s Pasta Vagina recipe.
There is no exact way of making the dough; you will need to use your instinct and adjust measurements as you go … don’t worry, your vagina is meant to be totally unique.
1 x handful of “00” flour – such as ‘Farchioni’. This flour is good because it is very fine and strong. If you can’t get this, use a strong bread flour.
1 x medium egg – free range
1 x tablespoon of mashed up beetroot (use a liquidiser) or beetroot juice
1 x tablespoon of soft goats cheese
Salt and pepper to taste
A pan of salted boiling water for when you want to cook it.
Take the flour and, if not yet measured out, then pour a mound into your hand. Put this onto a clean work surface. This amount of flour will give you enough dough for a lot of pasta vagina – maybe up to 15 – but that depends on how big or small you would like your vagina to be.
Create a hole in the centre of the mound and crack the whole egg into the middle. It may spill over the sides but don’t worry about this, just mix the egg and the flour together. This is very messy and sticky at first. As the egg and flour start to mix it will look a bit like bread crumbs or goo. If you have smaller hands there may be less flour to egg so it may be stickier. Don’t worry! Add more flour if it’s sticky.
When the dough starts to come together into a ball, add the tablespoon of mashed up beetroot / beetroot juice to give it the pink colour. If the dough has been dry, this will help to moisten it up and, if your dough is too wet, keep adding a bit of flour. It will look very pink – once cooked it will become a lighter pink.
Now keep kneading and massaging the dough until it holds together. The more you knead the dough the better, as you want to develop the gluten which will help your pasta to be springy and not flabby once cooked. Knead it until it is smooth and silky, rather than rough, so keep kneading.
Initial mixing will take you around 10 minutes, and then knead for a further 10 minutes at least. When its springy and smooth, wrap tightly in clingfilm and put in the fridge for at least 30 minutes, or overnight, before you start to roll out the pasta.
Take the dough out of the fridge and break off a piece of the dough about the size of walnut. If you have a pasta machine, then pass the pasta through the largest setting over and over again, folding the dough and gradually getting thinner, down to the lowest setting. Use flour so it doesn’t stick. If you don’t have a pasta machine, you can use a rolling pin or a wine bottle – be careful not to break the wine bottle if you choose this method, as you will cut yourself. When rolling it by hand, keep rolling out the dough and folding it back on itself. Repeat until it’s very thin but firm,and holds its shape. You will know its thin enough when you can see light through it, but so it’s not broken or torn. It will be at most 1 mm thick.
Now tear or cut the pasta into pieces. We prefer to tear our pasta because it gives less formal, surgical edges. Your approach to cutting it is up to you. Cover the pasta in a damp cloth until you are ready to use it. This will prevent it from drying out and becoming brittle. If this happens it will be difficult to shape it.
Per vagina you will need:
1 x rectangular piece approx 50mm x 70mm
1 x rectangular piece approx 30mm x 10mm
A dollop of goat’s cheese
Your wet tongue